The River of No Return

FeaturedThe River of No Return

I am back. I am back from what has been the most challenging trials of my life so far.  My marriage was deteriorating rapidly in 2017 and the toxic lifestyle also affected my performance at work.  I would come to work and sit in front of my computer screen and literally produce nothing for the day, it was like I was just waiting for someone to relieve me of my position. With all the insanity going on over the past 4 months I continued to see my counselor, I visited a new doctor and was prescribed different medications. No matter what I did there was no temporary relief, nothing seemed to help and one day I came to the end of my rope. On that day looking at myself in the mirror, I knew of my two options:

Option one: Let go of the rope, forget myself or who I was and everyone around me. Possibly fall into some addiction or habit that would lead to a quicker end. To separate myself from all that I know and simply fade as quickly as possible.

Option two: Say fuck this and start climbing back up. To say fuck everyone in my way who has nothing to offer that is positive and lifting.  The challenge of this climb is for only me to complete, I commit to it without any other option but success. To start anew, allowing the sun to rise and cast its warming brilliance on my face one more time.

I am here writing this blog so as you can guess option two was chosen, though option one was more appealing I found that I still had some grit left in me.  Not sure how there was any left, it must be engrained within me because I was able to find it and come back from the fray.  Since then I have continued to improve for myself, I know that there is nothing that I can do for anyone without fixing myself first.  I was tired of being one of the medicated, I no longer knew if it was my depression or the meds that made me feel so damn bad.

I have always accepted the fact that I came from a broken family and had witnessed atrocities that somehow molded me.  I accepted that my mother’s side of the family gene pool was riddled with mental disorders, including a suicide here and there. My father’s side was just as troubled so I believed that I was a product of my environment and that I was genetically flawed, something that was impossible to change.

So I accepted who I was and what dispositions I had and knew that the odds were I wouldn’t ever achieve happiness, or truly find my voice.

I said fuck the bridges, burn them there is no option of return. A change occurred, in that moment when I decided to take control and refuse to accept what I felt my past created, what was in my genetic make up. I refused to continue to walk through this life missing out of each minute of opportunity to achieve greatness. I refuse to continue to welcome death earlier than later. I refuse to gently go into that good night.

I am not sure what I will do with this Blog now. I no longer accept this as being a daily battle because I am breaking through the fucking gate and taking the castle each day. Each day I will continue to strive towards goals and accept failures as a they come.

IF you struggle as many others do, start each day with an idea, an idea to work on yourself. The link below will take you to a self help book I highly recommend.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: 7 Ways to Freedom from Anxiety, Depression, and Intrusive Thoughts (Training, Techniques, Course, Self-Help)

No Determined Path

No Determined Path

Where do you turn when there is no specific direction? No specific destination or a helping hand to point the way?

The next move is on faith, and that the footing will hold and not give way to something less complete.

Faith has led many down the wrong path so we know that it is a gamble, a hollow word that feels full when you first hear it.

Each wrong turn strips you down until you are bare and no longer have the strength to fight for yourself.

The question you must ask yourself am I able to make the next turn? Is there any grit left in you to pull yourself back up once more, bare you may be and weak you admit to yourself there is no specific direction.

You just take what path lay ahead.


Listen to me Whine :)

I am unsure what it is today that makes my heart feel heavy. It guess it is a not so simple as the continuation of a guaranteed relationship (depression). I’ve started to mix meds, doc is giving me Wellbutrin with my Celexa now so I suppose that my sidekick depression had to rear its ugly head to remind me that its still there just around the corner.

I noticed that I am always day dreaming about a better place, better people, warmer smiles, something that will reach within me and yank out whatever it is that causes pain.  It seems like a simple fix, but its not.  I have been travelling the country side since i graduated high school and I cannot find this place.  Reality is this place is within me and I cannot shed light on it.

I have a vacation planned at the end of October, I will be spending a little over a week with my father.  I have been thinking about telling him how I have suffered from severe depression for as long as I can recall but I do not know how to present this to him.

He is a burly old man standing around 6’2″ and does not believe in showing weakness.  I suppose that is why i went until I was 33 years old to finally admit my faults, it wasn’t of my own will, my body literally felt like giving up and I knew that there was only one way outta this rut and that was to seek outside help.

So the next step is to tell him my life long condition, and I have contemplated this, is this something that should be done?  I figured he would take blame for some of my depression as a kid and I would rather him not suffer for it.

I am actually laughing right now….. Why do I feel like my depression blog is becoming a whining post?????

Little Yellow Leaf

Little Yellow Leaf

A little yellow leaf bid its final farewell. It released its hold upon the limb as the autumn wind encouraged it to do so. I watched is as it fell so gracefully spinning and twirling between the branches of other trees. Though it only took a moment for it to fall to the forest floor I wondered how the leaf felt. It was its last dance and it did it so blissfully. I watched it come to rest and was filled with a deep sense of wonder. There is life in everything that we see and life will eventually depart. A simple little leaf, having lived through the summer months. Changing to a beautiful yellow in the fall allowing me to watch its most graceful moment. It was only one season of life and then it had to let go. Our lives are but a season which too must come to an end. Question is will you leave this life blissfully offering someone that moment to smile upon you as you drift into eternal sleep?  Will you bow out gracefully?

The String of Fate

The String of Fate

The Red String of Fate is an interesting lore that derived from East Asia. Long story short the Chinese and Japanese believed that an invisible string bound two people together. Possibly destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances, also it may be that they are destined to meet one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way.

I’ve often wondered what I am destined for, will be it a lifetime of depression? Is there an invisible string that ties me to something that will lift me above all of this and wake me up for the first time?  I look back at when I was younger and cannot recall any path I could have taken that would have led me to a place of happiness.  It felt like fate, as if the gods above pointed a finger a me and said ” you there, you will walk under a sky of cloud and rain with little sunshine to provide comfort”.

As many other people I too have had highs and lows growing up but I do not know if they shaped me or was it going to be this way regardless.  I now live a pretty darn good life, I have a solid job that has allowed me to provide for me and my family.  I watch my children and wonder what are the odds they are destined as me.  I feel for them and their mother, that they were dealt a father and husband who should be more.

The string of fate, it continues to unravel yet I hold on by this string.

Case of the Mondays

Case of the Mondays

The alarm sounds at 4:00 a.m. and I wearily stare at the ceiling thinking to myself, shit it’s that time already. I slowly crawl out of bed and make my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible trying not to wake the wife. Standing in the bathroom leaning onto the counter I stare at my reflection for a few seconds and think damn  I look older than I should, I’ve wondered how much the stress,anxiety, and depression of all these years has contributed?

In a matter of 30 minutes I am off to work, making the 50 minute commute I despise. As I approach the entrance to my work location I feel the levels of anxiety and depression increase, ah yes there is that old friend I can expect every Monday morning. I do my best to fight off all the negative thoughts stewing about in my head and focus on what matters and why I am here trudging through another week of politics and bullshit, the family I vowed to support.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I did not have my family’s support I would have chosen a path of self-destruction, I was already on it when I met my wife. I wasn’t an abuser of drugs or alcohol but I found comfort in misery therefore I would separate myself from everything.  Who knows where that would have led, I still feel the yearning to live that solo style and to allow this ailment to finally consume me. How do you explain that to your wife? How to you tell her that you still want to sink into oblivion and do not want a helping hand? My family and the few friends I have truly do not know the dark path I have followed for so many years, I have done well when needing to stand in the light and show them I am like them, that I am happy and doing well…….

I arrive at work and do my best to smile and greet the employees as they enter the building where the morning meeting is held.  I am lucky enough to be one of the speakers who addresses the companies employees every morning. This to me is pure torture, but I push on and put on my best smile and speech.

I hope that everyone has a good Monday, I damn sure will try.


Spirits are High

Spirits are High

My spirits have been higher that usual this week.  The hour long drive home from work typically has a negative affect on me as I sit and traffic and dwell upon all the shit that annoys me in life.  Once I get home my wife convinces me to jump on the mountain bikes and cruise the neighborhood and let off some steam. It has finally cooled off enough to be able to enjoy an evening ride. After the ride and settling in for the evening I picked up my Banjo and plucked away at a song I had been practicing a few months back.

It felt good to play music, the one thing you can lose yourself in and forget about the present.  It is so hard some days to do anything other than lay down on the couch after a long work day, you literally have to go against what you feel, and just do whatever is on your mind. Depression has a comfort zone and that zone is very small. For those afflicted depression rules many aspects of our lives, it takes fighting back with everything you can to simply muster up the courage or motivation to step outside the comfort zone and be who you want to be, if only for a minute.

The Road is Long

The Road is Long

I came across something the other day that I could relate to, something that made me feel hollow inside but also gave me something to look forward too. As I was doing a little research on depression I came across a quote from an unknown author,

“I hope that my last breath is a sigh of relief”

I have often wondered how my final moments will be, I fear that depression will follow me to the bitter end.  As you lay there saying your goodbyes to the world all you can think is about how long you have walked this earth unhappy yet there are so many things around you to be grateful for.  How many opportunities you have passed up because just the thought of it exhausted you? How many will be near you in your final hours? I have alienated myself from dear friends and have opted out on family gatherings.

In my younger years I would travel the country side and as I drove along I would pass through desolate areas of desert or wide open plains and I would would pull off onto a side road and just site and gaze at the horizon.  It was here where there was nothing that I found that hollow comfort.

How many of you out there know of this hollowness? How often you walk around with a mask on in attempt to fool those around you on a daily basis? I know that I am pretty successful at fooling those around me.  I know that I care not for group gatherings because of the happiness that everyone finds in it I cannot therefore I am an outsider. Yet we smile and laugh and put on an exhausting show for everyone.


I Am Good At Dealing With People

I Am Good At Dealing With People

This week has been like most, a challenge.  The most challenging thing for me to do is to put on a smile as I come to work and tell others good morning and ask how they are doing. No one knows about my deep seeded issue called depression, the only thing they pick up on is my lack of conversation and being direct and to the point when asked a question.  I have read self-help books on “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie as well as many other books that help with interaction with others.  I find it interesting when I can self identify with my shortcomings and work on fixing them, but it doesn’t take long to find my self back to the old me preferring not win people over with kindness or to look for friendship.

In the past 7 years I have made 2 friends, one of them lives in Canada and I haven’t seen him in over 5 years. I have often thought it odd that I do not have friends or that I don’t have a desire to make any. I am sure that I am not the most pleasant person to be around so that really doesn’t help my odds. Some of my old friends from school or the military that I considered close have also faded into the background. I make no attempt to keep in touch, it almost seems like to much effort to me.

In all the doom and gloom of things I can say that I enjoy blogging.  It seems to help some. There is a quote I would like all of those who suffer to read and to keep in the back of your mind for when times get hard.

“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” – Charles Bukowski

Solace Can be Found

Solace Can be Found

There are many things that can push that dark cloud away and allow the sun to shine through but many of those things are short-lived, merely a few minutes. The few things that I enjoy and have a deep passion for has become a chore it seems. I love music, it has carried me along for so many years, I suppose that is why I chose the image for this blog.  I took up playing the banjo and have really enjoyed the comfort I find when I am lost in a song, but this too has become something that I can’t find the motivation to do. I laid in bed last night and looked at my musical instruments along side the wall gathering dust and wondered why is it so damn hard for me to pick one up and play for twenty minutes? Every day I keep telling myself that I will practice my music or I will go on a bike ride after work, unfortunately I find it easier to be a slacker on the couch until I crawl in my bed and crack open a book. Taking that first step and forcing yourself to do something you enjoy brings some light and comfort back into your life, if only for a minute it is worth it. That is my goal this week, to do something I find enjoyable and refreshing. I challenge you to do the same.